Hope you find your extra seat belt

There was a time when my sister and I had to bid goodbye to our small, tight-knit family and live together side-by-side. I was 17 and she was just 2 years older than me. It was more than weird for us to live in the same room as our 17-years relationship living together hadn’t always been a harmonious one. We fought for everything from TV remote to our parent’s affection. Neither of us ever wants to back off to let the other have their way.

I guess our icy bond was mostly caused by me, as I like to bother her so much just to see how far was my limit before her bedroom door would be slammed before me. Or maybe because I longed for her affection while all she wanted was some peacetime like the time I wasn’t around and she was the only heart of our parents’ lives.

Just like other little sisters, I tried to follow her step and mimicked her likes and dislikes. But I guess I could never keep up or got bored along the way for her rigid ways in conducting her life. Either way, even the attempt itself annoyed her and made her wanted to distance her even more and even further.

You see, my sister is the type of kid who bottled all her feelings inside and shows only coolness outside. She doesn’t cry, rarely complains, and follow her routines religiously. I was, on the other hand, a very erratic kid who put her heart in her sleeve. I cried in a shopping center when my parents refused to buy a shirt I want while she didn’t even shed a tear as blood was drawn from her. She kept her grades high and made sure all her homework done right while I often studied nervously in a car as I just remember a test would be given that day.

But it all changed slowly as we left with only each other. I don’t know if it’s because of the realization that our safety net, namely mom and dad, were thousand of miles away from us or that we were just forced to behave better – anyway, the awkwardness lessen and we opened up more to each other.

My view of her changed and started to understand a little better of her coldness around me. She was just always trying to be the person that she thinks she needs to be: the oldest sibling who bears responsibility for setting a good example for her younger relatives and the one kid my parents can and need to depend on.

I know it’s very selfish of me to think of her as the extra seat belt we have to put on in any extreme rides – but she is; she is the person whom I think I could always fall back on if life ever decided to throw me off balance.

I do however wish that she could think of me as not only just the hyper, erratic, irresponsible kid who seems to always be in need of a rescue but also someone she can trust your feelings and insecurities too. Not just someone who she can slam your door to but someone who she’d also want to invite to the inside of your tears and fears from time to time. Because I know that behind her strong, independent outlook she always want to put on display lays some pain she tries so hard to council from the world.

Let me be that person or let me wish you found that person that will be your extra seat-belt.

I wish that you will always be blessed and be a blessing to people all around you like you are a blessing to me. Happy 24th birthday, big sissy.


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